Parenting: Fantasy Versus Reality
Introduction
I spent years dreaming about motherhood. In my mind, I pictured the smell of homemade cakes filling the house, being an active member of the PTA, and joyfully soaking up every precious moment. I imagined embracing it all wholeheartedly.
And for a time, it felt like I had stepped into that dream. In the newborn phase, I was utterly in my element — tired, yes — but overwhelmingly happy. Yet, as the years passed, the reality of parenting painted a far more complex, messy, and demanding picture. Parenting isn’t just one role — it’s juggling dozens of roles at once. It's deeply fulfilling, but it can also be deeply depleting. And in the thick of it all, it’s easy to lose sight of ourselves.
In this blog, I want to explore the weight of parenting, the gap between fantasy and reality, and most importantly, how we can care for ourselves in the process — not indulgently, but as an essential part of loving and sustaining our families.
The Reality of Parenting
Today, I am the mother of three young children, working almost full-time and managing our household. Circumstances have meant I've had to let go of many of those idyllic plans I once had.
The house is frequently a mess — a major point of frustration for my husband — although my tolerance is higher than his. I have never once been to a PTA meeting. I could count on one hand the number of times I have baked with my children. Technology also plays a bigger part in our home life than I would like. I am constantly exhausted, with early starts courtesy of my youngest.
My patience is thinner than I ever expected, and our envisioned bedtime routines often feel like chaotic negotiations rather than peaceful rituals.
My husband and I scrape together time for a couple of rare date nights — usually for birthdays or anniversaries — and otherwise, life feels like a conveyor belt of demands.
Holding Onto Our Hopes and Values
Despite the whirlwind, my deepest hopes for my children remain clear. I want them to know and feel my love, to thrive, to feel worthy and connected, to nurture their talents, and to grow up diligent, responsible, and kind.
I’m often reminded of the words of psychotherapist Philippa Perry, author of The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. She beautifully describes the parent-child relationship: if a child is the plant, the relationship is the soil that feeds them. But when I hear this, I sometimes spiral into self-condemnation — worrying that my "soil" isn't nutrient-rich enough. It stirs up perfectionist tendencies, reminding me how easy it is to judge ourselves harshly in the parenting journey.
What Drains Us as Parents
Parenting is relentless. It pulls at every strand of our emotional, physical, and mental being. The juggle of work, home life, relationships, and raising children can leave us utterly depleted.
Parenting also has a way of reactivating old wounds from our own childhoods, which can be an unexpected and painful layer. Certain everyday activities can be particularly triggering. For me, it’s leaving the house ("Where are your shoes?!" — a line made famous by comedian Michael McIntyre) and getting the children to complete their reading homework. Sometimes, it feels like it would take less time to read an entire novel myself than to get them to do a few pages without a battle!
The Trap of Self-Condemnation
Comparison is another thief of joy. I remember spending a weekend with family, noticing how beautifully behaved my cousin’s child was at the dinner table compared to my own children’s chaotic manners. The shame rose quickly, and I found myself nit-picking at them, which only created more tension and agitation.
The truth is, I choose my battles: we have rules about kindness and respect, but table manners are still a work in progress. And that’s okay.
Sustaining Ourselves Through the Challenges
Managing our emotions is essential, not only for ourselves but because it teaches our children how to manage theirs.
One of the best tools I’ve learned is to pause before reacting in anger. Regular, rhythmic breathing helps me calm down, and when overwhelmed, techniques like activating the "dive reflex" (submerging your face in cold water and holding your breath) can reset the nervous system.
Self-care is not indulgence. It is survival. Taking time for friends, hobbies, rest, and even little luxuries nurtures a whole, resilient parent — one who can keep giving love without running dry.
Psychologist Dr Laura Markham writes about giving our children "the best of ourselves, not what is left of ourselves." Healthy boundaries and self-care protect against overwhelm and resentment, and they model healthy relationship skills to our children.
What Self-Care Might Look Like
- Small naps: A 20-minute nap after work can make a world of difference.
- Creative time: Pursuing a hobby or interest.
- Personal treats: Buying something for yourself and taking a little time to enjoy it.
- Saying no: Protecting time and energy by setting kind but firm limits.
The Importance of Support
I don’t parent alone. My mother is a godsend, and both sides of the family offer help when they can. I’m grateful for the community I have, but I recognise that not everyone is so fortunate. For many, the "village" has shrunk. And for those parenting without a strong support network, the burden is even heavier. It’s important to seek help where you can, even if that’s forming new connections or accepting support offered.
Encouragement Over Condemnation
Encouragement can be life-giving. Instead of obsessing over what we did wrong, we can celebrate small victories — like a spelling test result hard-won after battles over homework.
When others offer encouragement — like when my son’s teacher told me I was doing a good job — hold onto those words. Let them root deeper than the harsh voice of self-criticism. And if we see another parent handling something well, we can learn from them rather than condemning ourselves.
The Power of Self-Compassion
Psychologist Professor Paul Gilbert’s Compassion-Focused Therapy reminds us we all have three emotional regulation systems: the threat system (fight or flight), the drive system (pursuing goals), and the soothing system (calm, contentment).
Those of us who are self-critical often have underdeveloped soothing systems — but it’s never too late to nurture that part of ourselves. Researcher Dr Kristin Neff also teaches that self-compassion is vital, especially when parenting through hard moments — like the time she comforted herself while facing judgement from fellow airline passengers during her son’s public meltdown.
Modelling Healthy Self-Talk
How we speak to ourselves matters. Are we modelling respect for ourselves? Are we treating our own bodies, efforts, and mistakes with kindness? Our children are always watching. By showing them grace towards ourselves, we teach them how to be kind to themselves too.
Ruptures and Repairs: A Core Skill
Psychologist Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of the "good enough mother" — not the perfect mother. We will get it wrong. We will shout when we mean to stay calm. We will lose our patience. But these ruptures provide opportunities to teach repair.
Recently, after a stressful morning and a scary moment when my children hid playfully and I couldn’t find them, I shouted in panic. Tears followed. But afterwards, I apologised. I explained my fear and my relief. That apology and explanation was a chance to strengthen, not damage, our bond.
Vulnerability and Connection
Researcher Brené Brown says vulnerability is the cornerstone of courage, connection, and creativity. When we own our mistakes with our children — and others — we model true connection. We teach our children that they too can own their stories without shame.
Conclusion: Parenting With Compassion, For Ourselves and Our Children
The fantasy of perfect parenting is just that — a fantasy. Real parenting is beautiful, messy, demanding, and deeply meaningful. We can parent with love and intention without needing to be perfect. We can nurture both our children and ourselves.
When we show ourselves compassion, when we care for our own needs, when we model honesty and repair — we create the rich, nourishing soil our children need to thrive.
And we find, to our own surprise, that we can thrive too.